Anonymous asked: ive lost a person which im inlove with (was my fault, but my actions were caused by the paranoid thoughts ive had) it happened a month and 5 days ago and i cant stop thinking and dreaming about him and my life is falling apart but i feel like i deserve it because of what ive done and i cant stop hurting myself, first it was drinking and then it turned into cutting now i eat all the time because i feel empty.. you dont have to reply i just had to vent. have a good day and stay amazing <3
So it’s now a month and 10 days later. How are you?
Break ups, relationships, being around other people in general: it’s damn hard.
Did they really mean that compliment? Do they notice that I’m not quite “normal”? Is he saying he doesn’t want to be me with me? Is this silence a break up? Is that silence an angry one? They all hate me. Everyone hates me. I deserve to be unhappy, I deserve to feel this because I’m a horrible person.
Any of this sound familiar?
There’s not much comfort in knowing that others feel this stuff too, not when you’re hurting so deeply it becomes hard to breathe.
There’s not really much comfort in anything when you can feel that gaping hole getting bigger and nothing you stuff it with is filling it up. It’s like an emotional black hole, the laws of physics don’t always apply and it’s one of the most mysterious things ever. Sometimes it seems to be over flowing with everything, so full you could burst. Other times it’s bottomless, empty, yearning for more stuff to fill it up before it consumes you.
It’s nearly impossible to ignore the black hole, because the impulses get stronger. The need to do something, eat something, drink something, hurt something gets more and more potent until you’re on autopilot doing those things because all rational thought is gone. (Sometimes this is also dissociation).
Yeah, I’ve been there. I’m still there because the bloody thing doesn’t just vanish when things are better, at least not for me. I’m still stuffing that stupid hole full of useless junk and pretty sparklies because I need beauty to counteract the horrendous ugliness of myself.
So the hole is there and it’s cajoling you, begging you, pleading with you, yelling at you, bribing you, guilting you, grovelling for you to fill it up with things, stuff, people. It doesn’t stop and it slowly breaks down your resolve to not to listen to it.
I’m not going to tell you to “don’t give in” because the intoxicating lure of that voice is overwhelming and exciting and, let’s be honest, we don’t really care if it ends up hurting us in that moment because it’s just so enticing. Yeah?
Let’s do other things instead.
Self soothing, avoidance (avoiding the alcohol section at the supermarket or the alcohol store altogether, for example), distraction, being kind to yourself (lessens the power the Voice of the Hole and reinforces the other more timid voices that you’re really pretty cool, nice, caring, and all the other lovely things about you), spending time with friends… Anything that reinforces the opposite of the Voice of the Hole.
This stuff won’t close the hole nor will it go away completely. What it will do is boost your confidence and self esteem a little bit. It won’t bring back the person you were no longer with, but it will bring back your sense of self and help you separate the “me” from the “us”.